Q1 2026: some discomfort i wish to be a growing pain.

 hi! another post written in the office; except it's a different office now.

back when i wrote my last post in February 24, i didn't know just a half year later i would be moving forward to another place. i'm still working somewhere related (halfly?) to architecture, whereas now i'm working as marketing design consultant in a building material manufacture. or so i thought i was moving forward, because i seem to be contemplating lately whether i had made the right choice.

back in early 2024, i worked somewhere with much lower wage and although i enjoyed the job, the company, and the lesson my superior was giving, i was clearly struggling with the low wage. not as in, struggling to stay alive, but i felt so... limited. the choices i had was limited. monthly expense were tight, i had no room to grow. i also couldn't socialize much because i was mostly home and home... home is not somewhere i felt (i still do) most safe in. it was stressful and when an opportunity came in, of course i held it tight. of course i moved on.

i began 2025 feeling hopeful because i started gaining numbers. i could spend more on things i needed, and to some other things i wanted. i got to see more people, so i had some hope on socializing better; to commune, and i, again, enjoyed what i was doing. which was good. until it was not.

now it's February 2026 and i feel like i only know how to survive. sure i have more money now, but i don't like my job anymore. it doesn't feel like growing and i miss doing designs. i just don't know how to keep doing it and earn money because i've strayed from the path i should've kept trudging on. i also long to be away now, i don't feel home wherever i actually am there, and i don't feel like i belong to my family anymore. it's like sharing the same roof with familiar strangers. it's hard to stay inside yet outside doesn't feel anywhere safe either. i also realize i am not one to socialize, it's always a constant urge to run away. i miss being young and enjoy people. i miss being less stressed. i mostly burrow deep in my books and wish the world to disappear, that somehow i'd be somewhere far better than here, but the success rate is still seemingly extremely low. i don't know. hopefully i'll come back here with better story but as for now we'll stick with this for awhile; again hopefully not for that long while. i believe God knows better. i know He knows better. 

aside from that, i am still doing relatively good. still working out, still eating mindfully, still learning something new. i'm drawing again, and i'm learning how to sew now in my free time. i'm still aiming to learn chinese. i am not giving up (hopefully ever). i hope little me won't ever regret her future if she knew what she knows now. i am still trying to make her proud. 

i recently finished a Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara and the book made me a broken dam and i let it happen joyfully because, then, it made me feel much more alive. i am currently reading Blood over Bright Haven and it's been a good read so far. forever grateful for these outstanding authors :-) 

also i don't know if i ever mention her here, but big thanks to Coco, my beloved dog, whom without i won't be able to keep myself together. really, bud, i wish you the longest life. <3